Pfft. Actually, I'm just going to rant
about it.
In recently discussing the birth of my
daughter, someone asked me how my husband, Alex, has been with
Melody. I answered quite truthfully that he has been wonderful with
her. So sweet. Never a better dad, in my opinion. They responded with
“Oh, that's great. I was just wondering because really, he hasn't
spent a whole lot of time around babies, has he?”
Then somebody else chimed in helpfully:
“Oh, no. So-and-so was more
prepared to be a dad than Alex; he
dated someone who had a baby.”
My
issue here is not that I'm upset by the Alex/So-and-so comparison,
but that my husband's parental readiness was called into question
because he was being evaluated solely on the amount of time spent
with children. I can't help but wonder how that works. Perhaps
there's some sort of “Child-o-Meter” that tallies time with kids
and exceeding a certain score somehow indicates level of
preparedness? If so, do you get points for sitting next to kids in
church and glaring at them in the supermarket when they scream?
Are there triple rewards if a kid pukes on you? And really, what is
this number? Have I passed it yet?
This must have been a most unfortunate
system for Adam and Eve.
I'm used to being on the flip side: “As
the oldest of such a big family, you'll be all set to have your own.
You'll be a wonderful mom.” I appreciate that, I really do, but I
still don't believe it—especially after having a baby. Preparation
for good parenthood is not bestowed with the title of “oldest
child” any more than it is given due to age, annual income, or
number of times you've looked at a baby and thought that he or she
looked cute. None of these things is necessarily indicative of how
well you will hold up when you're tired and hungry, but you have to
feed your baby first because she's hungry and screaming. None of
these is guaranteed to show that you'll be willing to stick around
when your wife's hormones are messed up, dinner's not ready, and the
baby needs a diaper change. There are certain situations you can't be
ready for, but emotional maturity and selflessness will go a long way
to helping you to get up your courage and push through anyway. Those
things are instilled not by time spent with children, but with effort
and attention to improvement. Children may be an integral part of
character development, or not. There are many ways to prepare for
parenthood.
Alex is one of the sweetest, most
kind-hearted people I know. His love, patience, and selflessness
humble me. I have to try
(yes, maybe this happens at our house occasionally . . . ) to get him
to yell at me—and even then he is always the first to forgive.
Sometimes he admits he's wrong when he's actually right, just to
appease me. I knew he hadn't been around kids much when I married
him, but I still picked him to be my husband because after seeing the
way that he treated me, my family, and complete strangers, I knew
that he had already been prepping to be a father. I may be the oldest
of twelve children and I've changed many more diapers, but Alex
outstrips my readiness for parenthood in the most significant ways.
So
please, say what you may about other people, but my husband was ready
for parenthood. And he's doing a bang-up job at it now, thanks.
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