Allow Time to Digest

A couple of days ago, something happened that stirred up a lot of people. You may be tired of hearing about that thing. This post is not a response to that thing, but rather a response to the responses to that thing. And a few other things.

First off, this thing that happened deeply upset a lot of people. That's why I was disappointed by the lack of patience, love, and attempts at understanding that I witnessed from both sides. Even some of those who were seemingly attempting to respond with love still came across as a bit cold and hurtful. I read many comment threads in which those who were grappling with this new information were further battered, rather than comforted.

We all believe certain things to be true, but there are some things (and certain times) that we don't need to share, regardless of their truth. It may be a fact that my dear friend is overweight. There is no time that I feel justified in pointing that truth out to her. It would not be kind. It would not build our friendship. It would not be helpful. Very often, these truths that we feel inclined to share at inopportune times are well-known by those with whom we are sharing. "Reminding them" does nothing but scrape an open wound they are attempting to heal.

When an issue like this becomes front and center, we feel a need to do something. Say something. Respond in some way. But hasty responses can do a lot of harm that we may never be aware of. I admire the friend who, upon learning this news, was somewhat hurt and confused, but responded, "I need some time to digest this." This is a matter that may require a bit of time to resolve. Some of us may never be 100% okay with it. I don't think that means that we still can't have strong testimonies. One of the more rankling comments I repeatedly hear is something to the effect of, "If you believe the prophet speaks with God to give us revelation then you shouldn't have any doubts." I respectfully disagree. I have a very strong testimony that the prophet, Thomas S. Monson, speaks for the Lord. That does not mean I have never felt anxious, concerned, confused, or sad about anything--even commandments or policies. It feels a little uncomfortable at times. I would say it even hurts. But I also believe that those times I am hurting are stretching me, molding me, and making me stronger. Eventually. In the meantime though, I feel a bit weak, vulnerable, and I need a little bit of extra love and understanding. The last thing I need is for people to freak out because I'm unsteady.

I sat in a church lesson awhile ago that made me squirm. The lesson was based on Rosemary M. Wixom's talk, "Returning to Faith." I loved this talk. The teacher didn't though, and admitted it up front. It made this teacher uneasy to listen to a story of a young mother who had questions about the gospel. And this concern/panic began before the young mother had even left the church--it was off and running at the first mention of doubt. And throughout the young mother's story of questioning, learning, growing, and returning to the church, this well-meaning teacher continued to interject expressions of alarm. It made me incredibly uncomfortable to see what had been for me a calming, reassuring lesson in persisting in spite of doubts turned on its head.

I saw this same discomfort with others' uncertainty present in the faith-filled responses of many. I am very glad that there are so many strong members who have not struggled with this issue. If you are one of them, I commend you. I also ask though, that you be patient with the rest of us. This is a sensitive issue that can merit some deep concerns. They will likely not be resolved in immediate response to something seen on social media, or shared by friends. It is great that you have answers as to why this thing is right and good, but those are your answers. You can feel free to share them if it feels right, but be prepared to realize that they may not assuage the anxiety of those in the midst of questioning. They will need to find their own answers in their own time. As much as we may wish to fix the problems of others and heal their hurts, we can't always do so. Occasionally, we may only offer hugs and prayers as others undergo their trials of faith. They, in time, can be prepared to do the same for us when we encounter our own uncertainties.

I think it's worth noting that not everyone who asks why is on their way to leaving the church. For those who are, it is not something that will come easily. Many who leave have struggled to stay for a long time. The gospel has become an integral part of them, and separating themselves from something that has been so dear to them for so long causes a great deal of pain. I think that whether our doubts lead us to apostasy or not, we all need a gentle environment in which to question.

Remember those things we believe but don't need to share? I keep hearing a lot of people saying, "I see this as a weeding-out of members." *Cringe.* I don't doubt that this issue will try many. It may even be a reason for departure from the church for many. I'm not going to bring that opinion to a public forum where struggling members may read it. 

You know the thing about weeding? I have zealously weeded strange plants from my flower beds only to discover months later that these "weeds" were some of the most beautiful flowers. I just wasn't familiar enough with them to properly distinguish them from weeds. We also learn from the parable of the wheat and the tares that if we attempt to weed in areas where wheat and tares have grown together, pulling the tares can result in the loss of some wheat. For that reason, tares were allowed to grow up with the wheat, and were sorted after harvest.

This is not my garden. These wheat, tares, flowers, and weeds are real people--our friends, our family, and those in our neighborhoods. Their souls are what's at stake here, not just a few missed flowers. That is why I trust the care of this garden to an all-wise gardener. As Hugh B. Brown's brilliant talk (which was made into a lovely Mormon Message) states in its title, "God Is the Gardener." This entire issue is one that I don't completely understand. My only peace comes from knowing that God is the one who is doing the weeding and pruning. Let's leave that to Him, please.

As we engage in tricky discussions, let's do our best to make our love and understanding increase relative to the sensitivity of the issues. While we may speak out in favor of our beliefs or correct factual inaccuracies, we should engage in such discussions with the utmost care. Regardless of whether we fully accept changes yet or not we all need love at this challenging time. Allow time for the Spirit to work in others so that they may receive their own answers and support them. Realize that, despite your wishes, you may not have their answer, and that's okay. Above all, remember that we are all children of God, and our words can deeply affect each other. 

"Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers.

I know thy heart, and have heard thy prayers concerning thy brethren. Be not partial towards them in love above many others, but let thy love be for them as for thyself; and let thy love abound unto all men, and unto all who love my name."

(D&C 112:10-11)

From a Frugal Freshman

I just finished watching (at the time I began writing) the Democratic Debate. It contained the tell-tale signs of modern political debate: The unsubstantiatable boasting of a pre-school "My dad could beat up your dad" fight, the pomposity and disdain of an undergraduate philosophy class discussion on epistemology, the persistent one-upmanship in promising akin to my sisters vying for favorite aunt status, and the self-absorbed rambling described in Brian Regan's "Dinner Party" routine. That aside, one of the issues the candidates--especially Bernie Sanders--would like to use to appeal to younger (college-age) voters (and their parents), is that of affordable college tuition. Now, regardless of how you feel about the government financing the educational pursuits of Americans through their bachelors degrees, university tuition can be pricey. So, I thought I would share my experience of paying for college and some of the strategies that helped me graduate debt-free. This is meant as more of a way to help out current/future college students, but if it crosses the line into "I'm wonderful. Me, ME, ME!" then please just close your browser and pretend like that didn't just happen.

I recently took a campus tour of a college that I once had an interest in attending. (It wasn't out of my own interest that I went; I was accompanying my sister.) As we were riding in the amazing golf cart-limousine, our tour guide told us about how the university cared about its students, and that's why they offered jobs and other aids: "They want to get you out of here with as little debt as possible." Then he proceeded, in the very next breath, to explain, "That building houses the Jamba Juice--if that's important to you." And I thought, "HA!"

Because frequenting the Jamba Juice is not an effective way to limit your student debt.

But really, I hear a lot about how to spend less in college. And some of it is sound, but rarely do I hear the things that helped me most. So, here it is (after way more introduction than it deserves), my gift to you.

Your college preparation mentality should ideally begin way before you take that college tour. If you are serious about attending college someday, you should be planning that way with your grades, the way you spend your free time, and the way you spend your money from the beginning of your awkward little Freshman year. Parents, talk to your kids. Kids: talk to your parents. Who is responsible for footing the bill? Every family will be different, but with mine, my parents let me know that it would be my responsibility to be the number one contributor to my college fund. This affected my decisions. I knew I needed to study for scholarships and save for supplemental income. Whatever the terms of the agreement, both parties need to plan accordingly. If jobs and savings accounts are needed, get them started.

You don't necessarily need to be the school, work, then study late into the night with no hope of a social life kind of student when you're planning for college. I mean, I may not have had a social life, but I also had quite a bit of free time and I don't want you to get the idea that I was always studying, because I wasn't. However, when the opportunity to babysit arose, I took it--a while after some of my cohorts had to stop sitting because of their burgeoning social schedules. It can help to be willing to stoop a little lower to earn a few more bucks.

Equally important will be your expenditures. Do you really need it? As a penny-pinching maniac in a small town, I found little opportunity to spend my hard-earned money. My parents were providing me with the necessities of life, so large proportions of my earnings could be committed to my bank account. That was a wonderful time of my life.


Look for scholarships. They will save you mucho dinero. I didn't personally go for government aid, but if that's something that appeals to you, go for it. There are people and corporations that are interested in funding your ascension to becoming a contributing member of society--take advantage of that.

Quick note on scholarships offered by universities:
Some universities will offer scholarships with dollar amounts. Others offer "Full," "Half," or some fraction of the tuition-type scholarships. Some scholarships apply a full four years, but others apply only for one year and must be reapplied for later. Read the fine print. If you choose a school with a four year-dollar amount scholarship from what used to be a cheaper school, you could end up paying more than you would if you had attended a larger university on full tuition. I received the highest available scholarship as an incoming Freshman. Three years later, tuition hikes rendered my dollar-amount scholarship impotent. What once paid nearly all my tuition now paid just under half. I'm telling you: If you are offered "Full" and "Essentially full, but we spell it out in a dollar amount," take the first.

Plan to get a job. Part-time? Full-time? Selling alarm systems in the summer? Only you can say. If you've got scholarships, savings, or other supplemental income, you will probably be able to get by with part-time. At least for a while. I actually lived primarily off my savings and worked summers in my hometown at a grocery store for the first two and a half years of college. I felt a lot better once I found a part-time job, though--I was starting to run somewhat low on funds. Your ability to get a job will depend on your class schedule and course of study. Some rigorous majors may limit your ability to work many hours, and afternoon labs can complicate things, as well. Luckily, there are many campus jobs available for students. With jobs for early morning/late night cleaners, paper graders/teachers' aides, tutors, and groundskeepers, universities can be a good place of work for busy students. Food for thought: occasionally places that hire also look for volunteers. If you have time for a job but can't find one, consider volunteering. It will fill a gap in both your schedule and your resume, and could eventually lead to a job.

Once you've gotten into the "I'm going to college, and this is how I'm funding it" mindset, the school you select will have a HUGE impact on your money spent. Everyone looks for different things from their collegiate experience, but be honest with yourself. It may sound cool to have a highly ranked football team at your college, but if you aren't being recruited and wouldn't realistically attend any games then you may want to look for the aspects of the college that actually affect you personally. If you don't care about any of the myriad student services available, it will only frustrate you more to have your student fees go to funding them. For me, a small public university that was close enough to home that I could return as frequently as needed (yet far enough that moving out was practical and justified) was a good fit. By acknowledging what I actually wanted from my university experience I was able to avoid paying more for facilities that are admittedly awesome, but that I didn't need. Also, shop around and ask questions. As we toured the larger campus, I found myself making mental notes to tell my sister later: "They talked about [this resource] as though it was a big deal, but it's pretty standard on college campuses. Same with [another thing the university was proud of]: I had that at my alma mater, and it's considerably smaller." The community college may be a good starting off point--especially if you're unsure of a major. Don't cut out any options before giving them a fair chance.

You're looking for a place to live. The university tour guides told you that the social aspect of the dorms is unrivaled. I'm not social. I chose not to live on campus. I still found a social life. If I can do it, you can do it. Again, we all look for different benefits, but for me, living off campus and being able to prepare my own food instead of having to buy a meal plan was a better option--in large part because it was cheaper. You know what else is cheaper? Sharing. I mean, most of us would like our own space, but when you're willing to share a bathroom? Rent goes down. You live in the same room as someone else? Even cheaper.

I had my own room my first year out in what I thought was a pretty decent place for a decent price. Through the year I found a friend and discovered I could get cheaper rent by rooming with her in a complex a block over. The next year I once again hopped to a cheaper place in the neighborhood. Admittedly, I moved a lot during my four years of college, but each move saved me a bit more. By looking around, especially after you've grown familiar with an area and its housing situation, you may be able to find a better deal. Just as you should be willing to consider less-traditional options for your schooling, take inventory of all your living choices. It may be cheaper to live with a family member, in a large complex, a house full of students, or a spot just a block further from campus. Don't lock yourself into one spot or idea if you are truly searching for a good deal.

On your own, you can put into practice those money-saving habits you developed while still at home. I had a professor laugh because I hauled a peanut butter sandwich and an apple to his class every day for lunch one semester, but it was WAY cheaper than other convenient, pre-packaged options. Exercise control. Try not to eat out or buy unnecessary snack foods too often. Buy a few store brands. Limit your consumption of meat. Don't coupon.

This may seem counter-intuitive. In my experience, though (and I may be behind the curve on this one), in order to save money couponing, you must have more time, patience, and access to Sunday editions of the newspaper than most college students possess. Casual couponing only fooled me into thinking I was saving money--when I was using coupons to buy items that I didn't normally buy. I use a lot of store brands, and rarely do coupons lower the price of brand name items to the point that their prices are lower than those of store brands. By all means, use coupons for things you normally buy, or if you're looking to splurge on a treat, but remember to coupon with care!

With clothing and other "status" purchases, bear in mind that the college atmosphere is a bit different than you experienced in high school. On the average college campus, you will see everything from business suits to hoodies and pajamas. This knowledge makes it a lot easier to save money on clothes if you need to, because, honestly, there could be a girl who wears a cat tail pinned to the back of her jeans in your 1010 English class: At the university level, confidence is king and judgement sits in the backseat next to Rebecca Black. When I shopped (which was rarely), I found great deals at thrift stores and on clearance racks. Nobody cared.

Your needs may vary depending on your schedule and your location. If you attend a larger university, you may not need a car because public transportation or even free shuttle services for students will take you most places you need to go. If you choose to live off campus at a smaller college or university, a car could be a big help. My parents were kind enough to let me use a '96 Geo Prizm while I was at school. My sisters now mock this car. :( It wasn't fancy, but it only full-out died on me once. Maybe twice. I was very grateful to have it.

This next tidbit may not be for you. Especially because times change, technology changes, and I entered the university world a whole six years ago. I began and ended my time at school without ever having purchased a laptop. Admittedly, I married into one my Senior year, but until then, I was able to save a bit by using campus computers and occasionally relying on the kindness of roommates. Having a laptop is certainly convenient, but every campus will have computers available for use. Because I was usually able to get my computer-related homework done on campus before the library closed at midnight, I found I was able to squeak by without a laptop. Again, consider your circumstances and priorities.

I think I'm wrapping this up, here, but one more biggie before I do: Partying and Spring Break.

Now, you may have seen shirts declaring something along the lines of "I like to party. And by 'party,' I mean, read books." (If anyone wants to buy me one for Christmas [or, if you're honestly looking for ideas, this one that I can wear to family reunions and ward parties], that'd be awesome--because as you can tell after reading this post, I'm too cheap to buy snarky t-shirts for myself. But I digress!) If you can't tell, this was pretty much me in college. I mean, I went out and did things, but as far as attending crazy loud parties and dancing at bars--that's not my scene. And you know, I saved money not having to buy alcohol. If you do like to drink and party, just be aware that booze can cost you. Also, be aware that if you are partying within hearing range of my house too far past midnight, I will call the cops on you. That is all.

Except . . . that even if you don't go crazy on the weekends, you may still have the opportunity to spend money on social engagements. If you're a guy--or a break-with-tradition feminist--you may have dates to pay for. (Incidentally, this could be a despicable, but effective way to save money if you're a single woman!) You don't have to be tackily cheap to keep them from breaking the bank. Occasionally, through no fault of your own, you may find yourself in a restaurant. Drinking water is healthier and cheaper than getting a soft drink. Matinee showings are cheaper than later night movies. You know, these sorts of secrets abound on the internet. Find them and use them.

Your roommates may plan an awesome road trip to California for Spring Break. And you may decide, that at this time, your savings being what they are, you won't be going with them. It happens. And the world doesn't even end.

Basically, what I'm saying is, swear off of fun for four years and you'll be able to pay for college.



HA, NOT! Guys, I had an awesome time at college. If you don't believe me, feel free to Facebook-stalk my photos from 2009 to 2013 (Just kidding. Privacy settings, people!). I took some awesome (and fantastically well-planned and frugal) trips to the Grand Canyon, Vegas, and Salt Lake City, to name a convenient list of three. I'm not saying you can't do anything fun. I'm saying 1. Fun doesn't have to cost money. 2. Think about what you want from your college experience and don't pay for a lot of extras you don't want. 3. Prioritize. On occasion, you can spend a little more. It's when you start spending more on EVERYTHING that you'll run into problems. 4. You can graduate from college without having gone into debt. It is possible. Maybe this will help somebody. Maybe it won't. But you know what's awesome about my blog? It's free. Also, it's like a presidential debate: all about me, Me, ME!

Dove, Doors, and WHO AM I, REALLY?

Complete the following quote from the popular musical, West Side Story:

"I feel ______!" 

A. Pretty

B. Average

C. Pretty average

###

You've probably seen at least one of Dove's Real Beauty Campaign videos: The one in which a rather typical looking woman is transformed (by means of multiple stylists, cosmetic products, and some Photoshop magic) into the sort of model we would normally see in advertising, or this depiction of women describing their own looks versus the much more positively described perceptions of others. I just saw their new segment involving a couple of signs (“Beautiful” and “Average”) labeling doors, and women choosing which door they enter. As would be expected, many women did not identify as “Beautiful,” and as such, chose to walk through the door marked “Average.” This simple act was foisted as a tragedy. I disagree.

While I agree that women should love themselves, I actually don't see feeling beautiful as a requirement to loving one's self. I certainly don't believe them to be synonymous. There is also the curious observation that my healthy perceptions of my own beauty are often indicative of the way I feel about myself overall, though not necessarily the other way around.

I'm not disputing the claim that we are all beautiful; I whole-heartedly support this idea. But in a world of such beautiful individuals, I believe the average (if we could model such objective concepts mathematically) to still be . . . beautiful. I find it perfectly acceptable that I identify with the status quo in a world where the standard level of loveliness is so high.

Besides, if there were multiple entry options, which door would each of us choose? Given my wide range of talents, abilities, and strengths (I've deactivated my sarcasm, so take me seriously!) I would not simplify my “me-ness” to be my outer shell—beautiful as it may be. Is that okay? Well, I'm okay with it, and around here, I make the rules. What I truly think and feel about myself when I'm alone is far more significant than an arbitrary door chosen when others were looking. A more telling choice than a publicly declared “Average” or “Beautiful” may be a privately determined “Beautiful,” “Compassionate,” “Creative,” “Intelligent,” (etc.) “All of the Above,” or “None of the Above.” Or, we could get right down to the heart of what we want to know—“Love myself,” or “What's there to love?”

This gets a bit deeper and grittier than the previously selected euphemisms, but if our goal is truly to find struggling women and help them feel good about themselves, why pretend? Let's do be real: If we want to make a change, there are more lasting and substantial ways to boost girls' and women's self-esteem levels (or, you know, anyone's—regardless of age or gender). Must all of our lifting be based on [feelings about] appearances? Let's sink our foundation deeper than that.

So we feel that our looks are average, or perhaps we think we're beautiful: Let us all walk through that door with confidence. I'm okay with whatever I may see when I look in the mirror because I know I am more than can be seen. With my average looks, my wit that exceeds expectations, and my satisfactory-level intelligence and kindness (among many other positive traits), I think I comprise a rather enjoyable package. I love me, and would invite you to do the same for yourself—regardless of the doors you may be walking through.

Adolescents and Young Adult Fiction

I've been reading a bit of young-adult fiction. Yep. Me. I know this will shock some of you *Ha! Yeah, right.*, but I have. It's my reading equivalent of dessert—my [somewhat] guilty pleasure.

The reason I feel somewhat guilty about it is because somebody on some website wrote this article saying I should “feel embarrassed about reading things written for children.” In my situation, I disagree on several levels—i.e., it doesn't comprise my entire reading “diet,” many classics and great literary works are/were “written for children” (or have at least come to be viewed as such), and you know, other great points that I can neither come up with off the top of my head, nor do I care to right now because this was supposed to be a negligible part of my topic for the day and yet it has already highjacked this entire paragraph. Suffice it to say that I don't view the reading of YA literature to be inherently wrong.

Unless . . .

Here is the part of the blog in which people may snort at me, argue, and say I'm ridiculously conservative and naively idealistic. Also, some crazy zealots may agree with me and call for the overthrow of the American Library Association (ALA) or something equally rash. Me, I'm just going to tell you what I've been thinking and leave you all to do your thing. (There will be no refreshments at the conclusion of this discussion, so if that's what you're hanging around for, you are welcome to leave now and we'll all just pretend you've stumbled into the wrong blog.)

I'm wondering about the definition of the term young adult. I mean, adults are (or at least, used to be) identified as those who were say, responsible, and taking on the rigors of careers, healthy and relatively permanent relationships, caring for children, buying houses, etc. Skipping discussions about immaturity and delayed decision-making in adulthood (Another day, guys, another day!), let's simply say that adulthood begins at the—here in the United States—generally accepted age of eighteen. If adulthood begins at 18 and extends through the rest of our lives, I would identify young adults to be . . . oh, say, those between 18 and 30, at least. Therefore, I am a young adult.

You know who agrees with me? Psychologist Erik Erikson, whose name makes me wonder how long that name's been in the family. Erikson's stages of development names the period from about 12 to 18 adolescence, with the subsequent stage being young adulthood. Young adulthood stretches from about 19 to 40. In case you were wondering, the main conflict of adolescence is Identity vs. Role Confusion. In other words, “Who am I?” These issues must be resolved prior to advancement to the young adult conflict of Intimacy vs. Isolation (in which young adults seek love and permanent relationships), or the transition to young adulthood can be complicated by confusion and an inability to plan for the future.

According to this Wikipedia article on YA literature though, when the concept of writing especially for young adults originated in the early 1800s, author Sarah Trimmer described the audience as those between the ages of 14 and 21. This age range has been continually lowered, and now the Young Adult Library Services Association (YALSA [Not to be confused with Yalta—the Ukrainian port where world leaders met to discuss terms following WWII—or salsa, which is good on chips]) division of the ALA has defined young adults to be those aged 12 to 18 years old. The article claims that most young-adult authors are typically writing for those aged 16 to 25, while those writing for the 10 to 15 year-old demographic are writing Teen Fiction. This is a distinction that is rarely made, though. At least in my mind and at my local library, I find Teen Fiction to be lumped in with its apparently older sibling, Young Adult Fiction.

The article goes on to tell us that the “Golden Age” of YA fiction took place from the mid-1970s through the '80s. At this time, limits were pushed such that common themes included rape, suicide, parental death, and murder. Come the '90s, these would grow to include drinking, sexuality, drug use, identity, beauty, and teen pregnancy. That's quite a list. At the risk of sounding old-fashioned, I don't think that teens (and when I say “teens,” I mean the group that Erikson defines as adolescents—the supposed audience of YA fiction) are well enough equipped to deal with all of these social issues. Nor do I think it necessary that they should be encountering the more dire of these adult situations, even if only in print. Yes, I know that bad things happen because this is the real world, and that, unfortunately, many teens are living out the “adult situations” contained in YA fiction. I regret that and realize that much of this is unavoidable. But I don't believe that it's healthy to glorify such unfortunate circumstances or to pretend as though these characters' plights represent those of the majority of teens. To present a large number of volumes in which “average” teenagers are endeavoring to resolve the Intimacy vs. Isolation conflict of their yet to come young adulthood before they've even discovered who they are—and to label genre and reader as “young adult” could be detrimental. It slyly encourages the continuation of premature maturation via the depictions of some very harmful behaviors for adolescents.


I see this as an issue that deserves some serious consideration. It should be something that authors, publishers, and librarians should think about while writing and selecting so-called young-adult fiction. But more importantly, it should be something that parents and their children talk about as books are bought or borrowed. Should certain books be banned? I'm not going to open that can of worms; in your household, that's your decision. Should they be discussed? Absolutely. It may be that you decide that your child is mature enough to handle a certain level of exposure through fiction. I myself have decided that there is no way that I can completely control what my daughter sees and hears as she grows up. Sadly, there will be some content and experiences that she will be exposed to, no matter how hard I try to protect her. Books may be a more gentle way for her to see the world as it is. However, as I teach her and help her to select the books she reads, I would hope that those selections would be uplifting. And I would hope those selections would be accompanied by her thoughts on the books and the characters, themes, and morals they contain.

P.S. I was only kidding about the no refreshments thing. We're stopping for chips and salsa on the way to storm the ALA. Contact me to discuss carpooling.

"Sex Sells" and Other Offensive Gimmicks That None of Us Ought to Buy

I'm jumping on a band wagon here. Actually, I've been on for awhile, and I think I'm here to stay because I find this to be a very concerning issue. The issue to which I refer is the sexualization of women and the recent backlash that Carl's Jr. has experienced as a result of their offensive ads. I haven't seen their most recent ad. I thought about looking it up, but then realized that was a stupid thing for me to do. I'm familiar enough with the concept, and if it's truly as awful as everyone else is purporting, then 1. I don't want to see it, and 2. I don't want to offer any sort of attention that could be misconstrued as positive press for the company and marketing that I'm so against. So, I'm not going to make this about Carl's Jr. I won't detail their ads or tell you about their food or the fact that I'm a third generation “We don't eat at Carl's Jr. because of their advertisements” kind of girl. (Okay, so I'll mention those things briefly, but it's not my main point.) My reason for writing this is that this is about more than a company with offensive commercials. This is a pervasive mentality that is harmful to both women AND men.

While offensive commercials make me sad, what makes me is sadder to view the embodiment of the philosophy that “sex sells.” I find this idea to be revolting. The worst part? Hard as it may be to avoid offensive commercials, they can be turned off. What can't be ignored is the fact that there are people in this world that think that the best way to sell their product is by exploiting the fact that men are naturally attracted to women. So they are. It's actually worked to my advantage that my husband likes the way I look. HOWEVER, he likes me for much more than that, and I get a little upset by other people and things that try to steal his attention from me. I find it disgusting that in addition to insinuating that prostituting the beautiful relationship between husbands and wives is the best strategy for marketing, companies utilizing this method are reducing both men and women to shallow stereotypes.

There are claims that Carl's Jr. hasn't responded to complaints from women about their advertisements because women are not their target market. Sick. This tells me that they think very little of women—and even less of men. While relegating the worth of women to the attractiveness of their bodies, marketers are simultaneously sending the message that men aren't worth much more than their ability to drool over a woman's body and buy a burger. Neither gender deserves the reputation being offered; we're better than that.

Saddest of all is the resignation that many have to these attitudes and their pornographic portrayal in movies, pictures, magazines, and commercials. Yes, there is a great deal of smut in the world. No, there is no way that it can all be avoided. I will certainly be on guard and teach my children how to handle such images and opinions. I try not to get enraged by images that offend me because forming an emotional connection makes it harder to forget. But I'm not going to sit back and allow these awful things to be said about me, my husband, my family, and my friends, and I don't think you ought to be okay with it, either. They're reducing women to their bodies and men to their hormones. Male or female, don't buy it.

[Some Arbitrary Number of] Things You Shouldn't Say to People Who Hate Lists of Things You Shouldn't Say

 

If you're on the internet, chances are that you've seen at least one of those lists entitled “[Some number of] things not to say to [some group of people].” These lists can inform us of things we shouldn't say to a wide variety of individuals: pregnant women, people with/without kids, deaf people, sober people, and people with anxiety. I understand liking to make lists, but I'm starting to realize that while it may be beneficial to write down everything you need to get at the grocery store or that you are hoping to accomplish in the day, it's less helpful to write down lists of every possible way you can mess up at a thing or all the wrongs that you're trying to avoid. For cases like these, I'm starting to recognize the wisdom of having one or two guidelines that you may actually be able to adhere to. I'm going to help you out here. Instead of writing a long list of things you should not be saying to single people (“When are you going to get married?”), married people (“So, it's probably about time you had a[nother] kid, right?”), rude people (“Can I offer you some manners?”), and old people (“Do you plan on dying anytime soon?”), I'm going to simplify this: Don't be stupid; be courteous.

The beauty of having a guideline is that it is so widely applicable that I don't have to spell out every thing you could be saying to offend various groups of people. Goodness, it even applies when you may not even be speaking.

One of the many problems with creating lists of things NOT to do is that you could be eternally adding to your lists. To pretend that you can exhaustively iterate offenses is pretentious—and to be honest, obnoxious. I also find it ironic that through informing us how not to offend an “in” group, list-makers, whether intentionally or not, are quite offensive to the “out” groups—both by assuming that we are so unintelligent as to be incapable of our own thought and by mocking our opposing positions.

I realized that I usually only read through the lists for positions with which I agree or identify, and then I smirk and think about how stupid people are. Today, though, I read through a list which contradicted my own opinions. Because it was a good friend who had posted it, I spent the whole time thinking “I don't think I've ever said that to her, but is that REALLY how she feels?” I also found myself feeling many of the concepts were juvenile and unfunny—sad, really. But I'm sure if the person who compiled that list were to read through the opposite view's “What not to say to people who ________,” they would feel similarly. We're all different. And we're all in different points of our lives. Let's exercise a bit of restraint and show some compassion.

It wasn't necessary for Thumper's mother to qualify her advice “If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.” One of my favorite quotes from Benjamin Franklin recommends that we “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” Before you speak to someone, whether your best friend or a stranger, consider how it will sound. Is it stupid? Then don't say it. Is it courteous? If not, just chill in silence, my friend.

Heads or Tails

Coincidence? When reading C.S. Lewis, I think not. I find so much symbolism within his Chronicles of Narnia that I have a hard time dismissing any bits that I find to be consistent with my beliefs. And while he may not have intended for all my insights to be taken symbolically, I dare not discredit his genius by suggesting otherwise.

Melody and I have been working our way through the Chronicles of Narnia. (We read The Magician's Nephew and just finished The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.) Obviously, it's her first time through. I've read them several times, though, and every time I read them I discover something new to think about. This time through, I've been thinking about the creatures of Narnia.

First off, Narnia contains ordinary animals as well as an elite group that was given the ability to talk. These talking animals are set apart and respected more than their mute counterparts. For example, talking horses are only ridden in times of emergency—such as war, and no talking animal is to be used for food. They are elevated because of their gift of speech.

Many Narnians have a mixture of human and animal bodies, giving them more than just the speech of humans. There are centaurs, fauns, satyrs, minotaurs, and more. And what truly struck me was that generally, those who side with Aslan are those with human heads and animal legs or bodies—like the centaurs and fauns. Those who side with the White Witch may have bodies or characteristics that would make them seem human, but their heads are animal heads. We can see this contrast directly with the “Bull with the man's head” who makes his camp with Aslan and the “bull-headed men” who are present with the witch at the stone table in Lion, Witch and Wardrobe. Both are a conglomeration of man and bull, but it seems significant that the bull-headed men are not simply referred to as minotaurs. And why choose to include such an odd creature as a bull with a man's head? I think this is an intentional message Lewis is sending readers: use your head!

Seriously. Our capacity to reason is unparalleled by any beast—or at least it should be. Unfortunately, I find myself a bit “bull-headed” at times. In my obstinance and failure to reason, I succumb to my more basic instincts and find myself in violation of the first instructions Aslan gave Narnia following its creation in The Magician's Nephew: “[A]wake. Love. Think. Speak.” I may be awake and speaking (although, as a sleep-talker not even the awake part is guaranteed), but I often forget about loving and thinking before I speak. And I think the order of the instructions matters greatly; simply speaking does not a good Narnian make—for this is where the foolish and wicked Narnians separate themselves from those who think and do good.

It was possible for animals who could once talk to lose the ability. Some talking animals did not think, but they loved. Others thought but didn't love. The noblest characters—animal, human, or hybrid—spoke only after loving and thinking.

I hope that my human head and my gift of speech aren't being wasted . . . that my reason and choices keep me in the realm of the human, rather than that of the beast.

Freedom and reason make us men;

Take these away, what are we then?

Mere animals, and just as well

The beasts may think of heav'n or hell.

LDS Hymn #240, Verse 3