Why CAN'T We Be Friends?

Once upon a time my computer died so I couldn't write any blog posts for awhile. This was a most unfortunate event. Luckily, it magically came back to life (by means of my husband, not a fairy godmother) and we are now living happily ever after once again.

Which is good, because once again, I have something to say.

This entry is going to cover some things that I've tried to say previously, but haven't explicitly stated. This time, I would like to just come out and say what I've been thinking, rather than alluding to it. Please continue reading, as these same thoughts could be affecting you or someone you know and love.

My problem is this: I'm a Stay-at-Home-Utah-Mormon-Mother.

Actually, that's not the problem—at least, not to me. My problem is that there are some people who think this is a problem. I keep encountering people (sometimes other Mormons, even) who get all uppity about Utah Mormons. Also, people who think Mormon women are being oppressed. And don't let me forget the disputes about stay-at-home moms. If you are unaware of how these criticisms go, the gist is that we're all weak people with nothing to say, oblivious of the unfortunate way we've all been made from cookie cutters. We've been pushed into our current roles because we have no other options. To those perpetuating these myths I say: You're wrong. Please stop.

I take great issue with all of these views because, to the untrained eye, I fit this mold. To those looking at conditions and statistics instead of people, I am one of THOSE people. I grew up in a small Utah town. In fact, I've never lived outside the state of Utah. I'm the oldest daughter in a rather large family who has never really “gone astray.” I am also the mother in a loving two-parent home, who chooses not to work outside the home in order to care for my daughter. To the casual observer, the only thing that sets me apart from the rest of the “Happy Valley” Mormons is that I don't live in Happy Valley. (And I don't have a white picket fence around my yard. Also, a dog. I don't have a dog, either.)

Anyway, the purpose of this entry is not to gripe about how I'm being judged by people who don't know me. It's to tell the world—or at least, those brave souls that will stumble across this—that even though I may look like all the other cookie-cut Mormons, it's not because I don't have any other viable options. I am educated. I don't stay at home with my daughter because I couldn't get better work. I CHOSE to live this way. Just as I have chosen to accept the gospel of Jesus Christ. Yep, I was born and raised in this church, but I have also tested it (Alma 32:26--43).

You can show me all the reasons not to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had someone try to do that to me yesterday. I say try because, in actuality, I was more aware of the arguments against my religion than they were. I could have compiled a longer, more comprehensive list than the one with which I was presented because I have seen and heard many arguments as to why I shouldn't believe what I do. I'm not living in a spiritual vacuum—although, admittedly, if there were such a thing/place, it would be in Utah—I've encountered opposition. And if anything, examining their criticisms has made me into more of a believer. There are reasons I am who I am. If you would like to hear them, I'll tell you. If not, that's fine, too. But please stop relegating me and those like me to a few measly labels.

I'd like to rally a cause—the force of so-called cookie-cutter Mormons. Rise up! (Sorry, little BYU joke, there . . . ) Because, if I were were a betting man—er, woman—I would bet that they, like me, are more than they appear. Following a somewhat upsetting experience in which my attempts to befriend members of a different faith failed because their tenets discouraged interacting with “nonbelievers,” I have become sensitive to just how detrimental divisions based upon differences can be. So you're not a Mormon? Okay. Let's still be friends. Grew up outside of Utah? Great. You probably have some powerful experiences to draw from. You're a man? Thank you for the things you do that I can't. You're a hardworking mother who's balancing a career while raising your family? Can you offer me some tips for time management and efficiency?

So, you're different from me in some way? That's cool. Let's stop judging one another and start learning from one another.

In a beautiful talk highlighting our faith and its foundation, our previous prophet, President Gordon B. Hinckley, had a wonderful quote for those with beliefs that differ from ours: “To these we say in a spirit of love, bring with you all that you have of good and truth which you have received from whatever source, and come and let us see if we may add to it.” I would, in this same spirit, echo to the wide variety of individuals in the world, these same sentiments. I'll bring the good that I have, and you can see if you can add to it.

Hello! I'm a Conservative Christian. Let Me Tell You What I Really Believe.

So, I'm getting a little tired of having various internet memes tell me what I believe and how I live my life. Mostly because they tend to be wrong. Occasionally, when I run across one with a particularly amusing punchline, I read it and snort before getting on with my life. Unfortunately, most of the memes describing “my lifestyle” that I encounter are just offensive to me. The other day I saw a meme with a caption saying something to the effect of “I'm a Conservative Christian and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. So do four out of my five previous husbands.” I didn't laugh when I read this one. Instead, I got a bit upset and cried some angry tears because I feel like I am being misrepresented on the internet—along with many others who share my similar values. You may say, “Well, yeah, but that's because you're part of the group. If you were on the opposing side of the fence, you would find it funny like the rest of us.

Would I?

The whole point of me telling you this is to tell you that I, as someone who identifies as a “conservative Christian,” am an individual. A real person. And at the risk of sounding too much like an episode of Sesame Street, it makes me sad when people aren't nice to me. Actually, it makes me sad when people aren't nice—whether I'm the victim or not. So, don't give me this crap about “The tables being turned,” and “How do I like it?” because although I have my beliefs, I DON'T HATE GAY PEOPLE. I don't post memes ridiculing people who are different from me, and I don't sit around in my spare time thinking of all the reasons I think they are going to Hell. In fact, I don't even believe in Hell in thetraditional sense, and the person I most frequently condemn is myself. I don't enjoy it when anybody is mocked and ridiculed, whether they believe as I do or not!

Yes, I'm a Christian. A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—you may more readily recognize the term Mormon. I also happen to lean to the right politically. I do value the sanctity of marriage. I understand there are many who oppose my viewpoint. If you are one of them, that's okay. I think you're wrong. But I also know that you think that I'm wrong. The issue I'm concerned with here is not who is right and who is wrong (because I think we'll find that at the end of the day, we each believe the other is wrong, no matter what is said). My concern here is that yes, we disagree. Now what?

I suppose we could continue to create and share fallacious memes that illustrate why the opposite view is stupid in addition to being wrong, but I'm personally getting tired of the same old arguments. Yes, sometimes heterosexual marriages end in divorce. I think this is unfortunate. But (forgive me, you'll have to step inside my religiously extremist mind here—try not to judge too harshly!) I don't believe two wrongs make a right. Divorce, like marriage, is a choice. And while some people may be making the choice of “serial monogamy,” I am not one of them. When I say that marriage is something that I hold sacred, this means that in addition to viewing marriage as between a man and a woman, I was particularly careful while searching for my own spouse. My grandma used to tell me that most girls are more selective of their prom dresses than their husbands. I was not about to be one of those girls. Because I view marriage as special, it's not a relationship I was willing to enter into with just anybody. I kept looking until I finally found someone I believed was worthy to be called my husband. Now that we have found each other, we are doing all we can to ensure that our marriage lasts. So please, don't lump me into a group that believes that divorce is a natural result of marriage. I'm putting a lot of work into this relationship called marriage, and I find it hurtful when others cavalierly come along and tell me I'm going to fail when they don't even know my husband and me.

But lets talk about something that many of those on “my side” have been guilty of. Like the idea that heterosexual people have a monopoly on the pursuit of happiness—particularly where relationships and family are concerned. “Gay people shouldn't get married or adopt because they can't have kids naturally.” You've probably heard that one at least a few times. I don't like it because I don't think that inability to reproduce “naturally” is something to rub anyone's nose in. You probably find the “gay people shouldn't have kids because they aren't good parents” line of reasoning to be as repulsive and distasteful as I find the “religious right-wingers are all hateful people who deserve their multiple divorces” logic—because it's a sweeping generalization that's wrong. Those people I know who identify as homosexual would make great parents if the opportunity came their way. It would seem to me, that the pain that comes to those individuals who are unable to marry or have a family for reasons related to sexual orientation is just as real as that of any single person who is unable to realize their need for intimacy or any couple longing for a child. We should stop mocking the sadness associated with these circumstances—regardless of the sexual orientation of those involved.

The debate over whether or not homosexuals should be able to marry is a sensitive one with very personal ramifications for both sides. It is a discussion that should be had civilly—which civility is typically lacking in internet memes. By all means, post factual sources that support your cause. Electronically share your beliefs—I will be. Just please, as you do your best to tell others how you feel about controversial issues, leave the memes out of it. This is a delicate subject with actual people on both sides, and we can't be fully represented by such sweeping generalizations.

REST RANTS. (They're Gonna Catch On.)

While driving home from Spanish Fork after a particularly long day involving hours in traffic due to an accident (not our own, thank goodness!), Alex and I were venting about how stressed and tired we were. Suddenly, as we approached Nephi, Alex pointed off the right and said, “Hey, maybe we ought to go there!” I wasn't very excited to stop the car for any reason before we reached home (No, not even food; I was done with the trip.), but I looked anyway and saw that he was pointing at a restaurant. Except the lights for the “a” and “u” were out, so it claimed instead to be a “REST RANT.”

(For those of you who may not get it, I will explain—although, I want you to know that it won't be as funny now. The reason we laughed was because we were 1. tired and 2. complaining. Hence, we were in need of both a rest and a rant.)

This ought to be a real thing. I think it could work. Places with comfy chairs and listening ears. I think it could work a bit like some churches have confessions: you walk into a small booth, and with complete anonymity you can say whatever you want about whatever is bothering you. Then you can leave.

I think everyone wants to be heard, at least occasionally. I know I do. In fact, I frequently get the urge to yell like Tarzan when I'm in a large, noisy group. (I know it's weird; I just don't know why it happens.) Anyway, REST RANTS Patent Pending (Psh. Like I'm that tight with the patent office!) would be a great way to remedy this. There could even be complimentary stickers (that you would end up paying for in some “hidden” way) that said ridiculous things like “Somebody listened to me today!” and “This mouth was made for talkin'!” in order to validate people in their quest to voice their opinions, no matter how irrelevant and rambling they may be.

The downfall to this is that only very special people would be able to work there for more than say, a day and a half without beginning to gripe to the customers. There are people who would fit the bill, but they're already called therapists and they charge more than the menial amount most people would pay for service at such a venue.

I guess there's also the teensy detail that grumping about problems doesn't usually make them better. One of my favorite (because it's so well-put) but also least favorite (because it's a well-put way of reminding me how I shouldn't be venting) quotes on the matter comes from Neal A. Maxwell's talk “Murmur Not” (a good one for when you're feeling like you just wanna whine a bit): “Letting off steam always produces more heat than light.” *Sigh.* He's right. No REST RANTS for me.

It's a shame this idea wouldn't work out. It kind of upsets me. In fact, it's almost the type of thing that makes me wish there were somewhere I could vent about it. What would upset me even more is if somebody were to steal my idea and get rich off it. If it happens, you'll know where to find me.

REST RANTS . . . Coming to a Blogspot near you!

"Sex Sells" and Other Offensive Gimmicks That None of Us Ought to Buy

I'm jumping on a band wagon here. Actually, I've been on for awhile, and I think I'm here to stay because I find this to be a very concerning issue. The issue to which I refer is the sexualization of women and the recent backlash that Carl's Jr. has experienced as a result of their offensive ads. I haven't seen their most recent ad. I thought about looking it up, but then realized that was a stupid thing for me to do. I'm familiar enough with the concept, and if it's truly as awful as everyone else is purporting, then 1. I don't want to see it, and 2. I don't want to offer any sort of attention that could be misconstrued as positive press for the company and marketing that I'm so against. So, I'm not going to make this about Carl's Jr. I won't detail their ads or tell you about their food or the fact that I'm a third generation “We don't eat at Carl's Jr. because of their advertisements” kind of girl. (Okay, so I'll mention those things briefly, but it's not my main point.) My reason for writing this is that this is about more than a company with offensive commercials. This is a pervasive mentality that is harmful to both women AND men.

While offensive commercials make me sad, what makes me is sadder to view the embodiment of the philosophy that “sex sells.” I find this idea to be revolting. The worst part? Hard as it may be to avoid offensive commercials, they can be turned off. What can't be ignored is the fact that there are people in this world that think that the best way to sell their product is by exploiting the fact that men are naturally attracted to women. So they are. It's actually worked to my advantage that my husband likes the way I look. HOWEVER, he likes me for much more than that, and I get a little upset by other people and things that try to steal his attention from me. I find it disgusting that in addition to insinuating that prostituting the beautiful relationship between husbands and wives is the best strategy for marketing, companies utilizing this method are reducing both men and women to shallow stereotypes.

There are claims that Carl's Jr. hasn't responded to complaints from women about their advertisements because women are not their target market. Sick. This tells me that they think very little of women—and even less of men. While relegating the worth of women to the attractiveness of their bodies, marketers are simultaneously sending the message that men aren't worth much more than their ability to drool over a woman's body and buy a burger. Neither gender deserves the reputation being offered; we're better than that.

Saddest of all is the resignation that many have to these attitudes and their pornographic portrayal in movies, pictures, magazines, and commercials. Yes, there is a great deal of smut in the world. No, there is no way that it can all be avoided. I will certainly be on guard and teach my children how to handle such images and opinions. I try not to get enraged by images that offend me because forming an emotional connection makes it harder to forget. But I'm not going to sit back and allow these awful things to be said about me, my husband, my family, and my friends, and I don't think you ought to be okay with it, either. They're reducing women to their bodies and men to their hormones. Male or female, don't buy it.

[Some Arbitrary Number of] Things You Shouldn't Say to People Who Hate Lists of Things You Shouldn't Say

 

If you're on the internet, chances are that you've seen at least one of those lists entitled “[Some number of] things not to say to [some group of people].” These lists can inform us of things we shouldn't say to a wide variety of individuals: pregnant women, people with/without kids, deaf people, sober people, and people with anxiety. I understand liking to make lists, but I'm starting to realize that while it may be beneficial to write down everything you need to get at the grocery store or that you are hoping to accomplish in the day, it's less helpful to write down lists of every possible way you can mess up at a thing or all the wrongs that you're trying to avoid. For cases like these, I'm starting to recognize the wisdom of having one or two guidelines that you may actually be able to adhere to. I'm going to help you out here. Instead of writing a long list of things you should not be saying to single people (“When are you going to get married?”), married people (“So, it's probably about time you had a[nother] kid, right?”), rude people (“Can I offer you some manners?”), and old people (“Do you plan on dying anytime soon?”), I'm going to simplify this: Don't be stupid; be courteous.

The beauty of having a guideline is that it is so widely applicable that I don't have to spell out every thing you could be saying to offend various groups of people. Goodness, it even applies when you may not even be speaking.

One of the many problems with creating lists of things NOT to do is that you could be eternally adding to your lists. To pretend that you can exhaustively iterate offenses is pretentious—and to be honest, obnoxious. I also find it ironic that through informing us how not to offend an “in” group, list-makers, whether intentionally or not, are quite offensive to the “out” groups—both by assuming that we are so unintelligent as to be incapable of our own thought and by mocking our opposing positions.

I realized that I usually only read through the lists for positions with which I agree or identify, and then I smirk and think about how stupid people are. Today, though, I read through a list which contradicted my own opinions. Because it was a good friend who had posted it, I spent the whole time thinking “I don't think I've ever said that to her, but is that REALLY how she feels?” I also found myself feeling many of the concepts were juvenile and unfunny—sad, really. But I'm sure if the person who compiled that list were to read through the opposite view's “What not to say to people who ________,” they would feel similarly. We're all different. And we're all in different points of our lives. Let's exercise a bit of restraint and show some compassion.

It wasn't necessary for Thumper's mother to qualify her advice “If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.” One of my favorite quotes from Benjamin Franklin recommends that we “Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” Before you speak to someone, whether your best friend or a stranger, consider how it will sound. Is it stupid? Then don't say it. Is it courteous? If not, just chill in silence, my friend.

Going Where No Congregation Has Gone Before: The Singing of Unfamiliar Hymns

“Thus, just as there will be many more Church members, families, wards, stakes, and temples—later on, there will also be many more nourishing and inspiring scriptures. However, we must first feast worthily upon that which we already have!” (Neal A. Maxwell in “God Will Yet Reveal” October 1986 General Conference)

What are we doing with what we have? I keep hearing people asking about when the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (which I will refer to as “the church,” since it's the church I belong to) is going to put out a new book of hymns. This would be nice, but I think if we would look inside our existing hymnbook we would find many hymns that are “new” to us because they are rarely sung in meetings. Before seeking to acquire a new hymnbook, I would advocate getting to know the hymns we have currently.

Let me tell you the perspective from which I write this. I currently serve as the ward music chairperson, which means that, among other things, I am responsible for selecting the hymns that our congregation sings each week. As a pianist/organist I have also used the hymnbook in my music sight-reading exercises. Thus, I find myself with a greater familiarity with the hymns than the average church member may have, and I want you to know that our current hymnbook is full of inspiring hymns. Many of the songs we never sing have lovely lyrics and beautiful music that would bring the Spirit to our meetings—if we we could get past the thoughts of “I've never sung this song before!” “Why are we singing this song?” and “Nobody knows this song.” That's why I'm trying to throw in some less familiar hymns (and why my ward may be wishing that the bishop would call a new music person).

I have heard people say that they actually hate this or that hymn simply because “we always sing it” and “I'm tired of it.” This is a very real phenomenon found in our congregations because we really only sing a small percentage of the hymns in our hymnal. I do not think that we should be hating any hymns. I understand having favorites, but to have a series of blacklisted hymns simply because they are commonplace is unbelievable to me. If we were to broaden our repertoire this would be far less likely to happen.

When selecting the hymns, I often make an effort to match the theme of the music to the topic of our Sacrament meeting. This is hard. I come across many hymns that I think would be a perfect complement to the talks, but I don't dare select them too often because I am afraid nobody will sing. Which is a shame, because I typically end up selecting a hymn everybody knows. Then, in my paranoia I find myself thinking “I'm probably reinforcing someone's dislike of this song.” I'm stuck. More than my concern over whether or not people hate the hymns I'm singing, though, I'm concerned that we aren't getting what we could from our music in church meetings. Having sung the same hymns repeatedly, I kick myself into auto-pilot and fail to pay attention to what the words I am singing mean. They become trite. Then again, if people are caught up in the unfamiliarity of a hymn they aren't likely to glean much meaning from it, either.

What to do, what to do? I understand that for organists with limited abilities the suggestion of an unfamiliar hymn can be quite stressful. Their comfort is more important than the introduction of new hymns. I would imagine that an organist having a nervous breakdown would be far more disruptive to the Spirit than singing “Nearer, My God to Thee” for the third week in a row. However, many of the hymns from the so-called “sealed portion” of the hymnbook are actually easier to play than the ones we know. It just takes a little looking. Remember, though: “Seek and you shall find”!

I like my comfort zone, and I know others do, too. There is a certain amount of peace that comes from singing an “oldie, but a goodie.” Can't we broaden our horizons and find more songs that we will love? That is my hope. I have some ideas I've tried to implement and some that I still need to test, but I'm trying to give it a go without completely scaring (and scarring) my ward members. I try to select a less popular hymn for the congregation to sing each week or so. I usually put it as an opening hymn so that people can forget the awkward feeling that can sometimes come from after having to sing a song they don't really know. I mark the hymns in my hymnbook with a date and my goal is not only to avoid singing the same songs too often, but to have a date by each song. I don't think I'll have this calling long enough for that, but I'm aiming for it. I also try to play through some less common hymns as part of the prelude on weeks that I play the organ. The thought has also crossed my mind to use the choir and special musical numbers to familiarize ward members with the songs they may not know. Occasionally the Mormon Tabernacle Choir will sing uncommon hymns during General Conference. Seize the opportunity and sing the song shortly thereafter in your ward! Perhaps the best place to practice new hymns is in the home. If you are a pianist, consider using the hymnbook to improve your sight-reading. If you are not, all the hymns can be found on lds.org. Sing them for Family Home Evening. Be brave and improve yourselves. Whether at home or in your ward, persist and rotate through until it becomes comfortable.

In short, by singing only the hymns with which we are already familiar, we deprive ourselves of the beauty they contain and progressively limit the hymns that we can sing—which can sometimes cause negative feelings or automatic singing of the hymns we do sing. These thoughts—or lack thereof—can disrupt the Spirit of the meeting. Singing a wider range of hymns can help with this. Keep in mind that side-effects may include decreased singing in your ward, nasty looks from ward members, and general discomfort. Singing less familiar hymns may not be for everyone. You may wish to discontinue treatment if your organist has limited abilities or if you experience chronic disruption of the Spirit. Talk with your bishop to determine if unfamiliar hymns are right for your ward.

Being around babies (and other myths about preparing for parenthood)

Something happened the other day that upset me. Really got me riled. So I'm endeavoring to right all wrongs with this entry.

Pfft. Actually, I'm just going to rant about it.

In recently discussing the birth of my daughter, someone asked me how my husband, Alex, has been with Melody. I answered quite truthfully that he has been wonderful with her. So sweet. Never a better dad, in my opinion. They responded with “Oh, that's great. I was just wondering because really, he hasn't spent a whole lot of time around babies, has he?”

Then somebody else chimed in helpfully: “Oh, no. So-and-so was more prepared to be a dad than Alex; he dated someone who had a baby.”

My issue here is not that I'm upset by the Alex/So-and-so comparison, but that my husband's parental readiness was called into question because he was being evaluated solely on the amount of time spent with children. I can't help but wonder how that works. Perhaps there's some sort of “Child-o-Meter” that tallies time with kids and exceeding a certain score somehow indicates level of preparedness? If so, do you get points for sitting next to kids in church and glaring at them in the supermarket when they scream? Are there triple rewards if a kid pukes on you? And really, what is this number? Have I passed it yet?

This must have been a most unfortunate system for Adam and Eve.

I'm used to being on the flip side: “As the oldest of such a big family, you'll be all set to have your own. You'll be a wonderful mom.” I appreciate that, I really do, but I still don't believe it—especially after having a baby. Preparation for good parenthood is not bestowed with the title of “oldest child” any more than it is given due to age, annual income, or number of times you've looked at a baby and thought that he or she looked cute. None of these things is necessarily indicative of how well you will hold up when you're tired and hungry, but you have to feed your baby first because she's hungry and screaming. None of these is guaranteed to show that you'll be willing to stick around when your wife's hormones are messed up, dinner's not ready, and the baby needs a diaper change. There are certain situations you can't be ready for, but emotional maturity and selflessness will go a long way to helping you to get up your courage and push through anyway. Those things are instilled not by time spent with children, but with effort and attention to improvement. Children may be an integral part of character development, or not. There are many ways to prepare for parenthood.

Alex is one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people I know. His love, patience, and selflessness humble me. I have to try (yes, maybe this happens at our house occasionally . . . ) to get him to yell at me—and even then he is always the first to forgive. Sometimes he admits he's wrong when he's actually right, just to appease me. I knew he hadn't been around kids much when I married him, but I still picked him to be my husband because after seeing the way that he treated me, my family, and complete strangers, I knew that he had already been prepping to be a father. I may be the oldest of twelve children and I've changed many more diapers, but Alex outstrips my readiness for parenthood in the most significant ways.

So please, say what you may about other people, but my husband was ready for parenthood. And he's doing a bang-up job at it now, thanks.